Monday, January 16, 2006
Here’s a New Year resolution
120 people and things I don't want to see or hear about in 2006
By Tim Pouncey
(1. Paris Hilton
(2. Police officials holding press conferences to congratulate themselves for finally
solving a series of murders that occurred regularly for 30 years.
(3. "Intelligent Design" as part of the public school science curriculum.
(4. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
(5. Spangles TV commercials.
(6. Anyone who gets famous simply for having sex with Paris Hilton.
(7. The political significance of "The NASCAR Vote."
(8. Any network TV news anchor either retiring or dying.
(9. Anyone surprised FEMA is totally incompetent.
(10.Jessica Simpson and Nick What's-His-Name.
(11. Ashton and Demi.
(12. The annual report that shoppers aren't spending as much in retail stores as they did last year.
(13. Celebrities in re-hab.
(14. Pandemic influenza.
(15. Mary-Kate and/or Ashley Olsen.
(16. All the things you aren't allowed to take with you on an airplane.
(17. Anyone surprised Wal-Mart mistreats its employees.
(18. Anyone surprised Halliburton is corrupt.
(19. Madonna making increasingly embarrassing new music videos.
(20. Any further discussions about the "Lord Of The Rings" trilogy being better than the last three "Star Wars" movies, or vice-versa.
(21.. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.
(22. White Supremacy.
(23. The financial difficulties of airlines, automobile manufacturers, farmers or any other group receiving massive government subsidies.
(24. Bill O'Reilly.
(25. The World Series Of Poker.
(26. Dogs and Cats wearing clothing (unless they're appearing in animated cartoons).
(27. Jennifer Aniston and anyone.
(28. Anyone surprised Wichita Aircraft manufacturers continue to fire employees.
(29. Bringing democracy to Iraq.
(30. Hollywood continuing to ruin Phillip K. Dick novels by making them into movies.
(31. Bringing democracy to China.
(32. Repealing the Estate Tax.
(33. Bringing democracy to Korea.
(34. Terrell Owens.
(35. Bringing democracy to Cuba.
(36. The myth of the "East Coast Intellectual."
(37. What anyone wears to a self-congratulatory televised awards show.
(38. Anyone with a British accent selling a new kind of vacuum cleaner on TV.
(39. Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellwiger.
(40. Anyone surprised when a 92 pound supermodel is caught doing cocaine.
(41. Any book written by, or in support of, Bill O'Reilly.
(42. Members of Congress voting to increase their own salaries who won't even discuss
raising the minimum wage.
(43. Brittany and Kevin.
(44. The myth Saudi Arabia is a U.S. ally.
(45. Any television show with the words "CSI" or "Law & Order."
(46. The myth Condelleza Rice is doing a great job as Secretary Of State.
(47. Anyone surprised when a professional athlete is caught doing steroids.
(48. People attending movies based on comic books, who despise people that read comic
(49. Tom Cruise expressing his love by jumping up and down on furniture.
(50. Anyone breaking a home run record set by a baseball player whose been dead for more than 20 years.
(51. Another doomed attempt to revitalize downtown Wichita by constructing something that will increase property taxes.
(52. Postal rates increases.
(53. Debating the meaning of each and every scene in each and every episode of "Lost."
(54. Anderson Cooper.
(55. Any aspect of American popular culture described as being: "Big In Japan."
(56. Weapons Of Mass Destruction.
(57. Monthly reports that Tiger Woods is: "losing his edge."
(58. The legacy of George W. Bush.
(59. The annual Rolling Stones farewell tour.
(60. Monthly reports that Venus and Serina Williams are: "losing their edge."
(61. Conservative Christian groups having tantrums about children celebrating Halloween.
(62. Conservative Christian groups having tantrums about gay marriage.
(63. Conservative Christian groups.
(64. Record profits for oil companies.
(65. Regis Philbin and/or Kelly Rippa.
(66. Inclusion in Oprah Winfrey's Book Club as a national literary standard.
(67. Manga as the ultimate form of artistic _expression.
(68. Long articles about Ashlee Simpson having no talent that give plenty of free publicity to Ashlee Simpson.
(69. The Vice-President publicly approving the torture of prisoners of war.
(70. Michael Jackson.
(71. The comic strip "Mallard Fillmore."
(72. Internet providers who can instantly track anyone illegally downloading music, but can do nothing about identity theft.
(73. Any future "Star Trek" spin-off's or sequels.
(74. Mary Hart.
(75. Any future re-makes or sequels of "King Kong."
(76. The term "Power Breakfast."
(77. Fox News Network referring to its right-wing propaganda as "news."
(78. Any future sequels to "Alien."
(79. Martha Stewart.
(80. Bobby Brown & Whitney Houston.
(81. The comic strip "B.C."
(82. Any televised country music award ceremony, especially in prime-time.
(83. Supermodels trying to jump-start their popularity by going into movies, hosting talk-shows or divorcing Billy Joel.
(84. Karl Rove.
(85. Hillary Duff music used as cell phone ring tones.
(86. Hillary Duff music.
(87. Hillary Duff movies.
(88. Hillary Duff.
(89. Any syndicated daytime television show hosted by a Judge including, but not limited to; Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, Judge Hachett, Judge Alex and Judge Joe Brown.
(90. Any style of music recorded by suburban white boys referred to as "Gangsta Rap."
(91. The FCC levying fines to TV networks for "indecency."
(92. Anyone surprised when violence erupts in or along the Gaza Strip.
(93. Larry King.
(94. Anyone surprised the Kansas City Chiefs suck every single year.
(95. Bono's latest plan for World Peace.
(96. Anything remotely connected with Elvis Presley or his estate.
(97. Oklahoma being promoted as a tourist destination.
(98. Bloomberg TV.
(99. Millionaire celebrities complaining about how hard it is to lose weight.
(100. Anyone surprised there is absolutely no exit strategy for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq.
(101. Kelly Clarkson.
(102. Jack & Kelly Osbourne.
(103. Reality TV.
(104. Any new diet promoted by a supermarket tabloid.
(105. Any future sequels to the "Rocky" movie series.
(106. Joan Rivers and her bitchy daughter.
(107. Anyone who thinks Global Warming is either a myth or a joke.
(108. Any future sequels to the "Friday the 13th" movie series.
(109. Any news stories about new commercials premiering during the Super Bowl.
(110. Color-coded terrorism alerts.
(111. Some idiot suing some other idiot for an ungodly amount of money over something no one with a three-digit I.Q. would have attempted in the first place.
(112. Secret C.I.A. prisons in Europe (or anywhere else).
(113. The importance of owning an iPod.
(114. Donald Trump.
(116. Any more McDonald's "I'm Lovin' it" commercials.
(117. Movie critics pretending to like Jessica Alba because of her talent.
(118. Dr. Phil.
(119. Ben Affleck and anyone he's dating or impregnated.(120. Come to think of it, I don't want to hear anything about Paris Hilton in 2007, 2008, or 2009 either.