I don’t do sex with machines

Some people have accused me of being sleazy and of course they are right. But I still have a few rules I follow.

1. No sex with kids. If you're 13 and live in Florida, forget it. And I won't send you any pictures of my genitals. Actually I have posted some nude shots of me (without my face), but good luck trying to find them from this site. I am an exhibitionist.
2. No sex with relatives. I actually know all those people and my philosophy on sex is that it is best done with people you don't know very well. Same goes for nudity. Do I really want my friends to see me naked? No. But swimming naked in the Mediterranean Sea was a lot of fun.

3. I only do women. I'm not homophobic, just not interested.

4. I don't do machines. I say that because people tell me they've had cyber-sex with other people. Cyber-sex? I actually hate machines, even though I not only use them, I rely on them. But I don't like them and they don't like me. So I refuse to have sex with a computer.

Which brings me to this Frank Zappa Song I heard years ago about sex with machines. It was from the opera "Joe's Garage" and is called "A token of my extreme":

Frank Zappa - A Token Of My Extreme Lyrics

Act II

SCENE NINE

A TOKEN OF MY EXTREME

Arriving at L. Ron Hoover's modernistic office / cathedral /

ware-house /

condominium complex, Joe is greeted by a pre-recorded message

and

a dramatically illuminated image on a wall-sized TV screen...

L. RON HOOVER:

Welcome to the First Church of Appliantology!

The WHITE ZONE is for loading and unloading only!

Don't you be

Tarot-fied

It's just a token of my extreme

Don't you be

Tarot-fied

It's just a token of my extreme

Don't you never try to look behind my eyes

You don t wanna know what they have seen

Don't you never try to look behind my eyes

You don't wanna know what they have seen

JOE: (thinking to himself)

Some people think

That if they go too far

They'll never get hack

To where the rest of them are

I might be crazy

But there's one thing I know

You might be surprised

At what you find when ya go!

And thus, having rationalized his expedition to L. Ron's

modernistic office /

cathedral / warehouse / condominium complex, JOE seeks The

Answer to

his problem...

JOE:

Oh oh oh

Mystical Advisor

What is my problem, tell me

Can you see?

L. RON HOOVER:

Well, you have nothing to fear, my son!

You are a Latent Appliance Fetishist, It appears to me!

JOE:

That all seems very, very strange

I never craved a toaster

Or a color T. V.

L. RON HOOVER:

A Latent Appliance Fetishist

Is a person who refuses to admit to his or herself

That sexual gratification can only be achieved

Through the use of MACHINES... Get the picture?

JOE:

Are you telling me

I should come out of the closet now Mr. Ron?

L. RON HOOVER:

No, my son!

You must go into THE CLOSET

And you will have

A lot of fun!

That's where they all live

So if you want an

Appliance to love you

You'll have to go in there

N' get you one

JOE:

Well...that seems simple enough...

L. RON HOOVER:

Yes, but if you want a really GOOD one,

You'll have to learn a foreign language...

<>

JOE:

German, for instance?

L. RON HOOVER:

That's right...

A lot of really cute ones come from over there!

(Fifty bucks, please)

And a cheerful group of Appliantologists dance into the room

wearing

aluminum foil lab smocks, lock arms in a circle around JOE,

making

sure he pays in full, all the while singing with L. RON as he

delivers

nis final instructions...

L. RON HOOVER:

If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between

Don't you be

Tarot-fied,

It's just a lot of nothin,'

So what can it mean?

If you been

Mod-O-fied,

It's an illusion,

an yer in between

Don't you be

Tarot-fied,

It's just a lot of nothin,

So what can it mean?

(etc., etc., etc.)

JOE leaves the First Church of Appliantology and sets out to try

L. RON s expensive advice

CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER:

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER... Joe has just learned to

speak

German Now, get this, heres why he did it! He's gonna go to this

club on

the other side of town, it's called THE CLOSET...

And they got these Appliances in there that really go for a guy

dressed up

like a housewife who can speak German (you know what I mean)...

so

Joe's learned how to speak German, he goes in this place and he

sees

these little Kitchen Machineries dancing around with each other,

and he

sees this one...that looks like it's a cross between an

industrial vacuum

cleaner and a chrome piggy bank with marital aids stuck all over

its body...

it's really exciting...and when he sees it, he BURSTS INTO

SONG...