Hard work to cure hepatitis—for NOTHING

Excerpts from The Journals Of A 21 Century Schizoid Man

I went to the new office complexes with the shiny white buildings where my specialist was. Dr. Hood was a rather bland man, in his 40s and he was a person of few words, He took some blood tests from be and before I knew it I was taking a regiment of drugs, three pills twice a day and a shot once a week. I stayed off booze for the entire time. The shot made me feel like I had the flue on the day I took it. The other drugs made me feel tired, depressed and shitty.

At first the medicine was working and the number of viruses was going down in number until they were undetectable. It seemed to be working, but then the viruses came back during the last week.

 I spent 48 weeks feeling tired and sick for nothing. On top of that I never really recovered from the effects of the disease. I still got tired easily. I also got sick easier. I was told I would probably die before I was 70. I was depressed and feeling hopeless. I starting getting counseling and started taking anti-depressants.

I decided to embrace death counterculture and started hanging around with death rockers and Goth people. I figured why not embrace the culture of death since it was coming for me anyway. I wore lots of black shirts with skulls on them. I started listening to songs such as Gloomy Sunday, by Christian Death. It was originally done by Billie Holiday.

I met a Goth couple, Alice and John. They held parties and held Goth nights at the clubs where they played such classics as The Damned, The Cure, Alien Sex Fiends, Bauhaus, Sex Gang Children and my favorite was Christian Death. My favorite album by Christian Death was Atrocities.

I liked the dark clothing and the gloomy themes of the clubs. There were often candles and fake skulls. The women often dressed sexy as well. Many had Leather black suites and black net stockings, and all kinds of colored hair.

I didn’t date very many of them because most of them were at least 20 years younger than me. I did find a few Goths in their 40s. I dated a few of them, but nothing much came from it.

All along, my real passion was politics and I had just learned to blog and use social media to meet up with other Marxists similar to myself. I had studied Marxism during the 1970s and 1980s and by the middle of the 1980s, I had accepted the general principles of Marxism and it became my major belief system. Living in Wichita where most of the Marxists I knew either moved away or died, social networking, first MySpace and then Facebook, I began to find people I had more in common with. Goth was a cultural thing to me, but my political ideals were the one driving force that kept me sane. Being able to chat with and message with other Marxists from around the country and around the world began to help me feel less isolated in a town that was so politically backward.

That’s not to say I had no left-wing friends, I worked with the Wichita Peace Alliance and other political groups. I had a lot of medical problems so I had a hard time getting much more done than making the monthly business meetings.

But there were few other people interested in most world affairs, such as the “red corridor” Maoist guerrilla controlled parts of India. Most people in this town could care less what happened in India, and many put their faith in right of center Democrats who supported possibly one issue, such as abortion, but were really little different from their Republican opponents.

I still went to Kerbees, I tiny bar I began visiting clear back in the 1980s. Its wooden walls were constantly covered by all types of posters and decorations. Many Goths hung out there certain nights, so I still had a reason to visit the old club.

I spent a lot of time on my big computer, leaving comments for both old friends and various Marxists to whom I could leave comments and get feedback.

My computer room was like a cross between a museum and a library. It was actually a somewhat cluttered room, but I always enjoyed looking at my messages on my computer pages, along with various blogs that different people and Parties posted on. There was always something to read on some ones blog.

But not all was well. I still had depression and constant fatigue. This made it really hard to get a good job. I couldn’t stand on my feel all day, as many jobs required. I had limitations to extra hours needed from many jobs and the continued Hepatitis prevented me from being able to do any job that took extra work, beyond an eight hour day.

I was told I should never drink again, but I had an occasional beer or two. After all, I was still expected to die early, so why would I care?

Facing the possibility of dying sooner than planned changes the way a person plans the future. Large antique collections where less interesting since I may not live long enough to really enjoy them. Wealth meant less and leaving valuable objects to relatives meant more.

Luckily I suffered from suicidal tendencies so it made dying less scary.

Of course there were always friends and relatives that tried to talk me out of drinking.

“You really should try AA,” said Chopper my dog.”After all it is a free program and it does help a lot of people”

“But what about the religious angle?” I asked.

“I’m sure there are some non-religious people or people who chose a non-god higher power,” Chopper said.”What harm is there in trying a few meetings?”

“OK! I’ll consider it.”

Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi's Dead