Gnew years resolutions

Here are some New Year's resolutions:
1, No shooting Heroin, (at least not in the off season when there are no poppies in bloom).
That's easy if you ask me. I don't know where to buy heroin.
2, No snorting coke. Yeah…as if I can really afford that one.
3, No drinking cough syrup with codeine. Again, not that hard since the drug stores have really cracked down on that.
4. No smoking crack. Yes, I know where they sell it, but the dealers are busted at least monthly. That makes the habit too depressing.
5, No smoking wet…Yeah, like I'd ever smoke embalming fluid in the first place.
6. No cheating on my wife. That's an easy one if I keep all my extra $20 bills at home. The women just don't hit on me like they used to. Except if they think I have money.
7. Don't drink on a week night. That's easy…as a sub teacher nothing is more obvious to high school students than a hung over teacher.
8. Don't make promises you can't keep…In other words screw these resolutions. No one really takes them that seriously.