The old Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer story that runs every year at X-mass time needs to be revised. With global climate change it needs to but updated. For example if Santa is going to live at the North Pole, he now needs a large house boat since the ice will soon melt in summer and not be as thick in winter.
The toy factories will have to be on barges. The rain deer games must be held in Greenland where there is some solid ground all year round. Instead of that terrible blizzard threatening to cause Santa to cancel Christmas, as explained by the Burl Ives snowman, the plot can center on Santa trying to buy the materials he needs to make the toys with cash as he has for the last 300 years. He has no credit or debit card, so the hardware stores start throwing him out the door empty handed. Since he has large amounts of cash on him, a local sheriff believes he’s a dope dealer, works him over and puts him in jail.
In the mean time, Rudolph, the star of our tale, is in Miami. That’s because foggy weather has moved south. Following the cast of Girls Gone Wild as they film Girls Gone Wild, Christmas Brake Part I and II, he’s been slamming down Tequila sunrises for two straight days. Luckily his friend, the elf dentist, finds him face down in a toilet, floods him with coffee and ephedrine; and the reindeer is ready for action. He procures a credit card, breaks Santa out of prison and Santa takes off just in time to deliver toys to all the good girls and boys.
Mr. Bush keeps wondering why he gets a lump of coal sent to his house every year. Next year Bush gets a visit from the ghost of Nixon’s Christmas past and that sets up a whole new Christmas special. Maybe Brittney Spears can play the ghost of Christmas future.